268 - Yes I know, It Has Been a While...

OK OK, I know, I know... It has been like a hugely long time since I have posted anything. It has been an eventful time though... really!

In my last post I was super-frustrated (understatement!!) because no matter what I did nothing would come off and I would just gain and gain and gain.

Well here is the story of the past few months:

Fate walked in, in a manner of speaking, when I got a terrible cold last August. My regular Dr had no appointments so I figured I would try a new Dr not far from me that had same day "sick" appointments. I was really dreading another new Dr who would just yell at me some more about how much I weighed.

I got an appointment with the Nurse Practitioner and when I got there I did the usual cringe when the number popped up on the scale. I had brought with me the Thyroid bloodwork numbers that I had asked my GYN for the month before so I could show them to someone and get an opinion.

When she first came in to see me we addressed my cold... a run of the mill virus. Then I asked if I could talk to her about my weight... I dont know if I was just at my wits end, or just feeling so bad from my cold, but I started bawling. I told her about the thyroid test and that it was normal but I just had felt so run down and lifeless for so long. I just felt that something was wrong with me. This was the FIRST person in the medical profession to actually listen to me and how I was feeling instead of just yelling at me to not eat so much. Yes... other Drs had actually told me I was lying to them about what I was eating. Other Drs faked sympathy and loaded me with antidepressants since I must have been depressed.

My Nurse Practitioner ordered more bloodwork than I have ever had done before in my life! But I was just so thankful that someone finally was listening to me! Then I got the phone call, the bloodwork was in... I needed to come in to discuss the results... always a scary thing.

After looking at the numbers and levels etc. she determined that I DO have something causing all this! PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) was causing my hormones, including insulin, to be out of whack. This was why I could not seem to lose and had absolutely no energy! She prescribed Metformin to help my insulin work better, but I did not take it the first 2 months. I had worked so hard to get off from all those anti-depressants I was fearful of more drugs. Instead I tried an extremely low-carb diet, which I found out for me was not something I could love with long-term.

I bit the bullet and decided to start taking the Metformin... and lost 10 pounds pretty easily without changing much at all and was finally feeling energy again! It is amazing what can happen when your cells get energy from what you eat instead of it all turning straight to fat!

Fast Forward to about a month ago -- I needed to make some more changes. I was not losing anymore, but truthfully I was making some crappy choices too. I needed a plan, which I was a bit weary of since nothing had worked before. My one hope was that whatever plan I chose would actually work this time because my body was actually processing food correctly now.

I decided to join Weight Watchers Online. I am NOT a meeting person - but I just needed some structure. So... at 275 I signed up. It has been a little over a month and I am down to 268.

I know with my PCOS I will lose slowly, I am hoping for 1 pound a week average as opposed to the 2 pounds a week I would love to achieve.

So far this time it has been much easier to stick to since I know what I am delaing with.

I decided to come back to my blog because I want to have a journal of sorts somewhere to follow my progress and remember where I have been.

Uphill...

OK... I have had NO progress.
I am feeling a bit frustrated and disheartened about this.
Everything seems to be working against me.

My exercise bike broke so I bought a new one,
It arrived and was broken and now I have to wait 2 more weeks before someone can come repair it -- at least its under warranty.

I have been eating in healthy moderation...
Way less than before
Bringing my lunch
Not eating out
Lots of fruits and veggies
Tons of water

I gained!

I swear I have a thyroid or hormone problem or something.
I am not looking for excuses
Just reasons.

It is rediculous!

I got a blood test for my TSH and per my doctor it is "normal"
But I don't feel normal...
I am cold all the time
My skin is dry and itchy
I just don't feel right...

I need a second opinion.

I will work on that and try to just keep doing what I am doing.
It is so hard though when I am feeling so discouranged.
Makes me want to just binge out
But I am trying so hard to not do that.

290.5 after 17 days...

Slowly but surely things seem to be moving in the right direction.

I put the link to Wendi.com in the post above because I believe it will work for me. I actually bought it a while ago but need to use it more consistantly (I also just got the "Do It Now" program to stop from procrasinating about everything, including taking care of myself.) When I use it I do find myself making better choices and wanting to be more active. Plus it really helps with my anxiety and depression to have that "meditation time."

Zen of Thin...

65% of U.S. citizens have tried some form of weight loss or weight control -- only 20% were successful.
What if you could magically transform food cravings into exercise cravings?
The magic of weight-loss is in your mind! -- self-hypnosis will change your life.

Something to Think About...

Yield, and become whole.
Bend, and become straight.
Hollow out, and become filled.
Exhaust, and become renewed.
Small amounts become obtainable.
Large amounts become confusing.

-- Lao Tzu

One Week: 292

3 pounds down.

At first I was thinking it was not enough.
It should be more...
Shouldn't it?

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
It is great!
It is wonderful!

Just think if I had done nothing at all...
I would either be still at 295
Or maybe even higher.

Remember baby steps!

Rome was NOT built in a day right?

Happy 4th of July

It was so good to sleep in today.
I have not been sleeping well lately at all.

Not much to write about today...
Not really in the mood to wax philosophical.

Just another day down,
Three more full days until I can check my progress...
I want to get on that damn scale so bad.

I am such a scale-a-holic,
But the fluid shifts are just too depressing.
Only once a week...

Even though tomorrow will be Wednesday it is going to feel like Monday at work.
Monday number 2 for the week!
And you thought one Monday was bad.

Contentment

Tonight at my yoga class we meditated on being content.

Content...
Being OK with now.
Content...
Taking joy in how things are.
Content...
No worry about the past or future.

Why does society today look at contentment as complacence?

I want to be OK with me now.
Who I am.

I am always so focused on the past (how I have messed up or gotten to the state I am in.)
Or the future (I will be happy when I lose weight.)

I will never get to where I want to be if I am not happy with NOW.

If I accept and love myself,
everything will fall in to place.

Decathecting

How do you like that for a ninety-nine cent word?

What does it mean?

Decathect -- To withdraw one's feeling of attachment from (a person, idea, or object), as in anticipation of a future loss. (Thank you infoplease.com!)

I need to decathect from my bodyfat...
I must somehow in my mind be very attatched to it because it's been here a long time.
Why am I so attatched to it?

I need to make my mind understand that it is OK to let the excess go.

What does my body and/or mind need that it is replacing with this padding?
What is it trying to protect me from?

Is my body mad that I have abused it all these years?

Are my mind and body just so detatched from eachother that the lack of communication and understanding caused me to compulsively eat to deal with stress and anxiety instead of noticing how the food was effecting my body?

This is definitely something to work on so it does not become a roadblock.

Starting Point: 295

God that number is scary, but I am not going to dwell on it.
It's a big number but it will only get smaller.

295

I cannot get discouraged if weight does not come off in a flash.
I have been fat since I was 9 -- that is a long 22 years of self-loathing.

I have decided to try and just take baby steps and make better decisions.

Move More
Eat Better, Eat Less

It is a simple equation, so they say...
If only the action was as simple as the mantra.
It may be simple for some...
I need to make it simple.
Need to make it second nature.
Just do, don't think.

I know from prior attempts I cannot go radical because radical will not work for me long term.
I need to learn moderation, I will learn moderation.

I will make mini-goals and celebrate the little things instead of constantly beating myself up every time I look in the mirror or suck in my breath to button my pants.

I will learn to love and take care of myself and my environment.

I am in control.